can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
