I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
