I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
