so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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