When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
