i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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