Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
