i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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