ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
