He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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