My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
