The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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