I look better un-naked...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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