Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
