Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
