3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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