I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
