Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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