Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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