i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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