He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
