yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
