I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
