I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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