HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
