I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
