I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
