god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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