i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
