I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dick very happy bro
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
