i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
