Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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