well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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