dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
