I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
and you fell through a lawn chair
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
