Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
