So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
