Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
