I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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