I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
