I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
