I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
