I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
