just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
