Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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