at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
How does it feel to date your dad?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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