Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
