So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Randomize
