Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
