I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
