i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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