dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
