everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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